Project 365 - Day 12

"I don't believe in pessimism. If something doesn't come up the way you want, forge ahead. If you think it's going to rain, it will." -Clint Eastwood

For almost a week I had planned to drive down to the beach and photograph the sunset. I love being close to the gulf coast, because it allows me to do that. This started around 2 or 3 o'clock and hasn't completely let up yet. It's still almost completely overcast, so I figured a trip out to the beach today just wasn't possible. I was a little disappointed because I'd been looking forward to it but I decided that it wasn't going to rain on my parade, maybe we could go tomorrow. I gave myself a little pat on the back for looking on the bright side of things. Something I have been working on for a while seeings as how I am not always the most optimistic. I've learned that sometimes you just have to make a conscious decision to be happy. I'm wayyyy to young to be a pessimist. You have to try and see the good in a bad situation, you have to see the sunshine through the clouds. Oh sure, feel sorry for yourself for a little while but don't wallow. You'll never find your way out or be happy if you don't try to see the glass half full. Maybe the pessimist is more often correct, but at least optimism makes the trip more fun. The outcome will be the same. Things happen. So wallow in your own self pity about something, or try to make the most of it. Pessimism is an excuse. It is an easy way out because people aren't looking at life as a whole. It is an excuse to not live up to your full potential because all the things that might or might not happen. And while you are waiting and moping, you forget to live. You forget to see the beauty in people, in nature, in life! People are always trying to get you down.. don't make it any easier for them by just laying down to take it.
So whether it's raining and you wanted to go to the beach or you've broken up with your boyfriend again... try to smile, try to laugh, do a good deed, think about the future. And try to see how much you have to live for.
Maybe I'll get that picture tomorrow and appreciate the rain today.

Project 365 - Day 11

"More and more, when I single out the person out who inspired me most, I go back to my grandfather." -James Earl Jones

When we moved here almost 3 years ago now, we lived at "camp." Camp is a little bit of land owned by my family with some trailers on it. We'd hunt up here and vacation here and that is where we would stay. Through all the years of hunting and fishing here, my whole family came to love it. My grandfather especially. He and my grandmother had planned on moving up here when they retired. My grandpa was like glue that held our whole family together.. and believe me! It's a big one! So when he said that he was coming, there were many of us that were going to follow. In September 2007, my grandpa lost his second battle to cancer. I could go on all day about him, but that is another blog. He never got to move up here to the little place he fell in love with. ...Or so we thought...
My family and me moved up here the next June. Losing him was hard on us all and it was nice to be in a place that we knew he loved so much. In the mornings before it got too hot, we'd turn off the air and open the doors. We'd sit outside and drink coffee and watch Eli play. One day a butterfly came fluttering around us. He land on the table where we were sitting or somewhere close by for a minute and then fly around us a little more. Who can not look at a butterfly when it's flying by? We watched it until it was gone. Soon, almost everyone morning, the butterfly stopped by for a visit. He'd flap around for a little bit, land here and there, and then he was off again like he was just saying hello. It was like my grandpa was coming to visit us everyday and was saying hello the only way butterflies can. When we saw it coming we'd say, "Good morning, Grandpa." or mom would say ,"Good morning, Daddy." The way his wings fluttered was almost like he was saying it back. I really believe the butterfly helped the healing with all of us a little bit. And I like to think that my grandpa sent that little butterfly to us for that reason. I felt like he was there.
This is what I think of when I see butterflies. I love them and I feel happy when they are around. I think a butterfly was a good representation of my grandfather. Butterflies are free spirits and I think they was trying to tell us, "Hey! Look at me! I'm free from cancer and I got a brand new set of wings. I'm whole and I'm happy."

Project 365 - Day 10

"Be able to recognize the dangerous snakes, spiders, insects, and plants that live in your area of the country." -Marilyn vos Savant

This is a Cottonmouth Water Moccasin. This was by the creek behind my house. This is a photo of the Cottonmouth while he still had a head.

Me, Eli, and Nick were out and about exploring. They were throwing rocks in the water and I, of course, had my camera taking pictures here and there. This was literally 3 feet away from the boys. He could have attacked within a split second. Cottonmouth are naturally aggressive snakes so I am very glad I saw the snake when I did and got the boys behind me and told them to go back to the house. I kept my eye on the snake while they escaped but kept my distance just in case it decided it was going to try and chase them. Inside my head I am frantic because I kept thinking of just how close they boys were to death with fangs! So, Justin grabbed the shot gun and we headed back out and it was in the exact same spot. Aim, cock, boom. Dead snake.
I did kinda feel bad for the snake. That it had to die. BUT seeings as how close my son and my little cousin (and me) came so close to it and could have gotten bitten, it had to go. Their life is much more precious than the snake's. It's funny that this happened because my aunt, Julie, was just saying this morning that she thought she saw one of these outside her glass door! And I said, "Photo op!" Well, I got mine lol. Must be a day for Cottonmouths to be out.

The Cottonmouth is now in snake heaven. With his head blown to bits. Resting peacefully at the bottom of the creek.

Project 365 - Day 9

"There is always a moment in childhood when the door opens and lets the future in. -Graham Green"

We registered Eli for pre-school today. I've been a little emotional about it all day, but I didn't drop any tears until now about it. I'm sure it will be even worse when he actually goes to school. He is really excited, so it makes it a little easier. Today I compiled my feelings and they made a poem. It's not a great poem, but it means great things to me. Here goes..

First Day of School

Please let me hold you
Once more before you go
So I can always remember
Just how fast you grow

Lets wait just one more minute
Before we get out of the car
The sidewalk to the door always seem this far?

Take my hand and hold it
As tightly as you can
It lets me know you aren't a baby
You're now a little man

Lets walk a little slower
It's all going way too fast
Tears fill my eyes
While I think of things gone past

Miss me just a little
Give me one more hug
Let me fix your hair just right
And make sure your laces are snug

Its time for you to go now
There is so much I want to say
But all that I can manage
Is Baby, I love you. Have a good day.

Project 365 - Day 8

To the outside world we all grow old. But not to brothers and sisters. We know each other as we always were. We know each others hearts. We share private family jokes. We remember family feuds and secrets, family griefs and joys. We live outside the touch of time. -Clara Ortega

When I was a little girl I remember wondering what it would be like if I were an only child. Because you see... I was my parent's only child for a total of 9 minutes. And truly, I wasn't even the "only" child then since I shared a womb with my sister. I have always had a sibling, since the day I came into the world, because Jessica did too, 9 minutes later. Since literally never having to live a day without a sibling, I have also never lived a day without a best friend. Even though, even back then when we were little girls, we were completely different, we still had an understanding of each other that I have yet to find with another person. Justin was born when we were 5 years old. I admit now that I feel sorry for the little fella having to deal with the two of us. We double teamed him a lot and he since he had two sisters, we didn't exactly want to play with the same toys. We are probably the reason he aggravates us to much now, just pay back for all those years.
As kids we bickered and argued a lot, usually over petty things. Okay, fine we still do that.... But I know that no matter what happens in this world these two got my back. Even though some days we are at each other's throats and we say things we don't mean, if we ever need each other, we'll be there.
There is no one that you know longer on this earth than your sibling. They are the people that you are going to know longer than anybody else. They are the ones that you grow old with. You'll always have a friend on this earth as long as you have a sibling. It's like hardwired in them to love you no matter what, and thank God it is, because I'm sure I am just about unloveable sometimes. We take for granted that they will love us all the time. We share things with our brothers and sisters that we can't share with anyone else, and that doesn't only mean our parents. Little jokes and secrets that no one else would understand will never be forgotten... just undervalued sometimes.
So now that I've grown up and I am a big girl I am glad to have had siblings. Despite all the times I wished I was an only child when I was mad, if something would have ever had happened to them I could never have been truly happy. A part of me would have been missing forever, because they are a part of my heart.

Project 365 - Day 7

We must remain as close to the flowers, the grass, and the butterflies as the child is who is not yet so much taller than they are. We adults, on the other hand, have outgrown them and have to lower ourselves to stoop down to them. It seems to me that the grass hates us when we confess our love for it. Whoever would partake of all good things must understand how to be small at times. ~Friedrich Nietzsche

Eli is the most amazing critter finder. Sometimes it would be like his vision was magnified because I couldn't fathom how he saw that bug or that frog from that far away. He is always coming in with some sort of critter he has caught. I use to always say it was just because he is short and closer to the ground (I know, I'm short, too.) He is 100% boy.
From him and by getting up close and personal with nature I am learning how to be small. Sometimes it is like I see with new eyes... The grass is greener and the sky is bluer and bugs don't scare me. This little spider might have been 5mm. It is just a tiny thing. All it took for me to see it was to take the time to be small, to stoop down to it. I have also realized that there is looking, and there is seeing. I always looked before but I never took the time to really SEE. And for me to be able to see, I had to feel. Feeling is easy. I feel every picture I take because I love to do it. It's not only that I love doing, I love what it's done to me. Seeing takes practice. The more I practice and see, the more I appreciate. The more I practice and appreciate, the happier I am. So in that aspect, it's better for everyone ;). My husband made the remark, "I could take the exact same picture, with the exact same camera and yours would be so much better than mine." See, he doesn't understand about seeing and feeling. I think a photo is only as good as the heart, the passion, that you put into it. You see it returned to you in your photograph.
I have not deluded myself into thinking that I am some sort of great photographer or that I ever will be. I am not afflicted with any kind of false modesty. My photographs will probably never change anybody life by seeing them. But they have changed mine. Because now, I see.

Project 365 - Day 6

"Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food, and medicine to the soul." - Luther Burbank

Flowers are so cool. There are so many varieties. They are Heaven for the senses. They smell good, they are beautiful to look at, their soft, silky petals feel good in your hands, and when someone gives you a flower it makes you smile. Total sensory orgasm. Flowers are an appropriate gift for every and any occasion. A red rose to say I love you, a pink carnation to say thank you, or black eyed Susans for encouragement. You give flowers at birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, birth, and death. In exchange for a cool drink of water, you get a rewarded with a glimpse of true beauty. Flowers have short lives. Soon their petals fall off and their leaves wilt. But they aren't bitter for if they are admired and have made someone smile their purpose on earth has been fulfilled.
One thing I especially love about photography is it is always fueling my passion for learning. What is this? How does it work? So when I take a picture like this and I'm not exactly sure what it is I go to work. In my research I have discovered that his little beauty is a Spiderwort Lily. The Spiderwort Lily's life is especially short. The bud opens in the dewy light of early morning and closes again at dusk, never to reopen. When I learned this, I realized how lucky I was to get to photography this rare beauty and I was happy. But now that I know when I go back out in the backyard, this flower no longer stands with its beautiful face stretched up to the sun, and I was saddened. But I know that it's purpose in it's very short life was done. I saw, I shot, I smelled, I smiled. The flower died happy and the flower lives on.

Project 365 - Day 5

"I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be." -Douglas Adams

The year of 2006 was the most wonderful year of my life. It has also been the most scary. This is the first time that I have sat down and put it down all in words. I find myself a nervous about putting it all out there for the world to know, because this is year has made me who I am today. So I am ultimately putting the biggest piece of me on a page for all to see. Why do it then, you say? You see, I am doing this blog for myself more than anything else. And if I am documenting all the little pieces of my life for 365 days this is something that has to be in there somewhere and considering August is right around the corner, there is no time like to present. Let me start at the beginning...
It's December 2005, the 10th day of December to be exact. This is the day that changed my life forever. The heat of the moment and the dysfunction of a piece of latex rerouted my future. The next day, I went to the Dr. and I got the" Morning After Pill" (Plan B). It is an emergency contraceptive that prevents pregnancy after a birth control failure. You can take it up to 72 hours after said failure. I was at about 48. It made me horribly sick for a day but as far as we all knew, it did what it was suppose to do. Then, on January 10th, my mother bought me a pregnancy test after waking up sick a few mornings in a row. The result was immediate and positive. My mother apparently wasn't surprised, I was crying, I thought Donald was going to faint, my Dad was pacing the room like a lion, Jessica was crying, and Justin wanted to celebrate. I can't put my feelings from that moment into words... well I could but they wouldn't be the right words. I can't convey the depth of my feelings of that time in words. I can tell you I felt terrified, and lost, and stupid, disappointed and a disappointment. I was 17 years old, not even a high school graduate, with nothing to offer a child I was going to bring into the world. I continued to go to school and I concealed my pregnancy. Only those very close to me knew my secret. It's not that I was afraid of what people would say about me, those who know me know that that has never mattered to me... I think that I hid it because I didn't want to answer questions about it. I didn't want to flaunt it and boast it because it wasn't something I was proud of. I wasn't proud to be a teenage mother. I just was another statistic.
On May 19th 2006, I walked across the stage in orange heels to receive my high school diploma in the top twenty percent of my class. The top twenty percent graduated first, then continued by all the others in alphabetical order. This is also the day that I didn't hide my now noticeable pregnant belly under a big jacket. My secret was out.
I had this big future planned. I was going to off to University of Florida. I had all these big dreams and the future was bright. My plans were changed now. In the fall when I was suppose to start college, I was going to be having a baby. My due date was September 4th (which was actually labor day that year, what a coincidence, huh?) One night out of the blue in my dining room, Donald got down on one knee and proposed. I said yes. We'd already been together for almost 4 years and we planned on getting married already, but considering the circumstances we just sped up the process. Yep, we had a shotgun wedding. The wedding was set for August 19th.
But my little one threw a wrench in our plans and he decided he wanted to be there for the wedding. On August 9th, 2oo6 at 7:16pm Elijah Adam Lowery was born. He was perfectly healthy even though he was born at 35 weeks gestation. It is a miracle I thank God for every single day of my life. The wedding was still on August 19th as planned but it sure was hectic lol.

So pretty much three of the most important experience of my entire life, of anyone's life!, happened all in the same year. And now that it's almost 4 years later and I'm not so emotionally raw, I look at things much different. Eli was meant to be on this earth exactly when he was put here. After beating two methods of birth control and coming out perfectly healthy at almost 4 weeks early, I know with no doubts that he was meant to be. He is my reason for living. He saved me from myself. Now that I get to see his smiles and hold him in my arms and hear him say, "I know I can always count on you, Mommy" I know that I couldn't imagine my life any other way. So to my Eli, I love you more than you will ever be able to imagine. Just when you think that there is no way I could love you anymore than I do now, I will love you more than that. Thank you for being the light that pulled me out of the dark. To my husband, after almost 8 years I still get butterflies in my tummy. I know that I don't tell you often enough how much I appreciate you, I hope you know how much I do and how proud I am to be yours. And to my family, I am fixing to graduate from college and I couldn't have done it without all your love and all your support. I am sorry that I have made life so different for each and everyone of you too by having to babysit almost everyday and give me a place to live so I can finish school. I am very very blessed to have you to lean on. I am sorry Mama and Daddy if I wasn't quite the daughter that you thought I would be and I didn't exactly fufill the dreams that you had for me. But.. I did the best that I could, and after all I know that is all you've ever asked me to give. I hope I did you proud.

So life hasn't been easy for me. But when things are easy, it's easy to stop growing. I have grown. I am growing. I know now that this is what I am suppose to do with my life. If one day it all flashes before my eyes, at least it will be worth watching.

Project 365 - Day 4

"Tomorrow the sun will also rise to the occasion of another day with equal grandeur. Such is the nature of that morrow which today has already seen, yet it greets us each time afresh with the morning dew of wonder in its eyes." -Mark Amend


I love mornings. I like to watch the world come alive. This morning I got up right out of bed made a cup of coffee, but never got around to drinking it because then I looked through the window of the back door. The backyard looked so inviting. I put on some shoes and me and my little man headed outdoors, camera in hand. It was so beautiful out this morning. The Florida heat can be oppressive most July mornings, but the sun wasn't yet high in the sky and a nice breeze blew.
Eli and I traipsed the backyard enjoying each others company keeping an eye for anything interesting to capture on camera. I have long had a love affair the morning dew. It's like hundreds of little silver lights on the grass. Seeing dew is special because it's only there for a short time before the day gets hot and the sun makes it disappear. So there are me and Eli, knees in the dirt, nose in the grass, taking pictures of the little tiny water drops on a blade of grass. I think the result from a little sweat and dirt and a little time was worth it. Notice how in the drop of dew, things look magnified? That is the morning for me. Everything is alive and stirring and new. I feel lucky to experience it.
Most people hate mornings but I don't get out of bed before nine I feel like my day is wasted. Why people sleep until noon I'll never know. Don't they know what they are missing? Don't they realize that today is a new day and absolutely anything may happen. It may be the day you meet the love of your life, or get a new job, or do something life changing. The fact that none of that may not happen doesn't matter. The possibility is there and that makes it exciting. Each morning is like a new opportunity to me, or a new beginning....So to all grumps out there, just look at each morning as an opportunity to finish what you started yesterday. Another chance to let someone know how much you love them. Today will never happen again so don't begin it with a false start.

Project 365 - Day 3

From whence arrived the praying mantis?
From outer space, or lost Atlantis?
glimpse the grin, green metal mug
at masks the pseudo-saintly bug,

Orthopterous, also carnivorous,
And faintly whisper, Lord deliver us.
-The Praying Mantis by Odgen Nash

I'm pretty sure the first thing that everyone thinks of when they hear the words praying mantis is how the male praying mantis meets an untimely death shortly after, or maybe even during mating, and the death blow is delivered by the female. It is a story that I've heard ever since I was a child, and yes while there is some truth behind it, lets try to look at the mantis from a different angle. The praying mantis has become a symbol of patience and stillness. It can stand motionless on plants and limbs for hours waiting for its prey. It is never hasty and not impatient. It is quite content with letting his food come to him when ever it gets there. There are a lot of things that we can learn from nature. The teamwork of a pride of lions, birds flying in a triangular pattern to make the journey easier, the hard work of ants constantly building and scavenging... how do they know these things? How does the praying mantis know that his food will come as he waits and waits? Is it really as humble as it's name implies? The truth is I've learned, is that God provides for all creatures. It is God's creature and it knows nothing else. It does not worry if it's food is going to come in a timely fashion. For what good does worrying do? Worrying is always done in vain. A fact that I sometimes need to remember. I am a chronic worrier, a trait passed down from my mother, who I believe will worry her way into an early grave. I worry about things that can not be changed by worrying by the slightest increment. I am impatient and sometimes find it hard to just relax and let things unfold they way that God sees fit. The truth is, is that I am scared of the future. Excited too, yes, but scared of not knowing exactly what will happen or not happen.
So what is the mantis "praying" for? Who knows.. guess you can use your imagination. Maybe it was praying that I would take my camera out of it's face. I like to think that he is just sending up a prayer of thankfulness that a meal is soon on it's way. My lesson for today from this saintly little bug is that my needs will be provided for. Maybe not when I want or when I think I need it, but it's always delivered right on time. That I don't need to be scared of what the future holds for me. I need to be patience and let my mind be still like a praying mantis. Okay, well I considered beheading my husband like a female, but that would just cause more worrying about going to jail! Just kidding, my love. I just said that for dramatic effect. ;)

Until tomorrow....

Project 365 - Day 2

The love of learning, the sequestered nooks,
And all the sweet serenity of books"
— Henry Wadsworth Longfellow



Books. There is more treasure in books than a treasure chest and, you will never run out. I love everything about a book. I love the weight of it in my hands, I love the feel of the pages in on my fingers, I love the words dancing in my mind. I even love the smell. Oh, there is nothing like the smell of a book! In a bookstore while I browse the shelves, the first thing I do when I pick up a book is put it to my nose and breathe it all in. I recently watched "Sex in the City" and Carrie said she "loved the smell" of library books. Then she got married (well... was suppose to..) in a library! Why didn't I think of that? How amazing to be surrounded by all the hundreds of years of knowledge and literature.
I have an endless need to know. I need to learn and discover. I need it like I need air. Books satisfy and provide for those needs. Books have been some of the most constant companions of my life. They entertain me when I am bored and they are a breathe of fresh air when I feel suffocated by the demands of daily life. There aren't many troubles that an hour or two of reading couldn't help. I just pick up a book and get lost into it's pages and whether I am reading about dragons, or witches and werewolves, or a handsome prince saving his betrothed, or even the passage of blood through the heart, whatever seemed so darn bad before, is better.
I have read hundreds of books and have found that there aren't many things in this world that can evoke all the feelings and emotions that a book is capable of. They can make you laugh, make you cry, make you angry, or leave you breathless with anticipation of the next page! I imagine Heaven for me will be some sort of library.
While people live and die, books live on into the next generation and the next. Their writers long dead and disappeared, but a little piece of them lives on. You can look into their books and try to understand what they were going through to make them write what they wrote. You can almost feel like you have known them personally, and that is something rare and beautiful. They are not forgotten and their books and continually re-discovered year after year by people. How special to write something so great that it lasts across centuries. I am thankful and honored that they did and they are here for me to read (...and smell.)

Project 365 - Day 1

Introducing, Elijah. I thought, what better way to start off Project 365, than with my favorite little guy in the world. This picture was taken just across the road from our house. He was a little flustered with me. I was obviously having him walk ahead of me and he didn't like that I wasn't moving that I kept on taking pictures. He would turn around and say, "Come on, Mom!" Hoping for more picture opportunities I'd say ,"Go on! I am coming right behind you." Then he said, " Okay, but no more pictures, Mom! I don't like that!" :) I tried to appease him (a little) but before you really notice your children grow up so a nice recollection of their childhood for yourself and for them is worth it's weight in gold.

There is no need to explain why this picture is special to me, he is the reason I walk and breathe on the earth... this picture got me to think about kids in general. Children are the most precious thing that ever may be bestowed on two people. It is a shame to think that some will not ever see it that way. A child should know what a miracle they are. They should know that since the beginning of the world, and till the very end, their will never be another child like them. They are the greatest miracle and they are also the greatest mystery. For when you have a child that is yours, it is still a mysterious stranger. You then have the miracle of watching this child grow and laugh and cry and watching their own personality unfold. I have often said, " Well he didn't get that from me!" But I know that who he is is not inherited. Who he is, is developed. It is developed through everything that he does everyday, everything he sees, touches, or feels.
On average, children laugh about 400 times a day and an adult only laughs 15 times per day. When did we stop? Kids will literally squeal in delight over things that we see everyday. To us it is astonishing, but to them, so natural. When did we stop seeing things the way kids do? When did we stop seeing the joy in all the everyday things that life gives us? After our children are born we spend our lives trying to teach them all about life, but children teach us what life is about.

And in the beginning...

And in the beginning, there was....nothing.....


Ah ha! Problem solved there is no longer nothing! There is now a sentence about nothing! Oh, now don't confuse yourself! Let's just move on! Well, this is my first official blog in about 3 years and I must admit that I have missed it. At one time abusing my keyboard blogging was a nice outlet to daily frustrations and discoveries and whatever other mischief I could get into. Now, I am back and I will (hopefully) keep it up if for nothing else but my own sanity. For the last two years or so I haven't had much of a life since I am going to college full-time, but this December I WILL graduate and I WILL take state boards and I WILL be a Registered Nurse.

I want to do a Project 365, where I will take one picture everyday for a year. I'll edit and post it and then I will talk about it a little. I'll tell you about the picture, why I like it, or what makes it special to me. I have had a few friends and others I know doing this and it seems like a lot of fun and a real challenge as well so I decided to give it a shot (pun totally intended!) I am sure I will have some random posts here and there about God knows what but it sure should be interesting! So, Project 365 starts tomorrow then. Stay tuned.